October 29, 2007
Positive? Negative? WTF?
So here’s a recap of recent events. I’ve done a lot of peeing.
Cycle Day 33: – on home pregnancy test with first morning urine.
Cycle Day 35: Very, very, very faint + with first morning urine. So faint that I thought it was either my imagination or an evap line.
Cycle Day 36: Faint but visible + on 2 different tests with first morning urine. Ghost-like evap line on 3rd test with first morning urine.
Cycle Day 37 (today): Ghost-like evap line on test. This time was afternoon after drinking a lot of water.
So all kinds of thoughts are going through my head. “False positives.” “Chemical pregnancy.” “Early miscarriage.”
None of them are good thoughts. I’m trying to be positive and hopeful, as I think that’s the best attitude to take. But really I’m nervous and scared.
I’m waiting til tomorrow to test again with first morning urine.
October 25, 2007
Big Fat Negative
My cycle is *never* regular. It is typically 29-32 days, and in any given month it can fall on any day within that range. It’s not unusual for it to be 33, 34 or even 35 days, too.
Anyway, today is day 33 of my cycle, and no Aunt Flow yet (though plenty of cramping, twinging and sore boobs). So I decided to use a home pregnancy test today with first morning urine.
Big Fat Negative.
I strongly suspect that only women (and men) who are trying to conceive can really understand the sinking of the stomach that happens when you see that snow white pregnancy test. It’s like all hopes are dashed.
It’s still a very outside possibility that I might be pg. If my mittelschmerz pain is any symptom, I may have ovulated (late) on day 24 of my cycle and just caught the egg, since Hubby and I did the horizontal mambo about 3 days prior to that. In that case, the little fertilized egg may have just implanted, so I could be pg with a negative pregnancy test.
I know I’m probably holding onto false hope. But it’s the only kind of hope I have right now.
TCOYF
Taking Charge of Your Fertility was recommended to me by various ladies at some fertility online message forums. I purchased it last night and read the entire thing (I’m a quick reader).
I had already grasped a lot of the concepts–you can’t hang around fertility forums without picking up a tip or two–and I already knew most of the basic anatomy. But it was still a very informative book, and definitely a good read for every woman.
I guess I’ll start charting this next cycle. I’m not particularly looking forward to it… I’m afraid it will only feed my obsession. But at this point, I’m willing to do anything to increase our chances.
October 23, 2007
It screws with your head…
Some women, apparently, do experience early pregnancy symptoms before they even get a positive pregnancy test. Symptoms I’ve heard reported include:
- Cramps and/or stomach twinges
- Increased appetite
- Sore boobs
- Moodiness
- Sensitivity to smells or tastes
- Bloating
- Spotting
- Backaches
- Fatigue
Does anyone else notice that those symptoms are suspiciously similar to PMS?
So, of course, it all screws with your head.
I feel a slight twinge in my belly. Is that implantation cramping? I feel moody and cranky. Is that early pregnancy hormones? I feel a bit sick after breakfast. Is that morning sickness?
It’s enough to drive me insane.
Right now I feel typical PMS signs: cramps, sore boobs, moodiness. The cramps are so typical of my PMS that I’m kinda losing hope about this month being the month.
I had felt really hopeful this month, so it’s a bit of a disappointment.
October 21, 2007
Talking to Hubby
Obviously, Hubby is a vital part of this trying to conceive journey. Generally speaking, however, he doesn’t like to talk about it much.
He tells me “Don’t worry so much about it,” and “Give it some time.”
If nothing happens in 6 months or so, I’ll probably have a talk with my doctor to see what future steps we need to take.
Until then, he and I casually chat about it. I think he wants to avoid the topic so I feel less stress. He’s a classic passive-aggressive avoider… and he doesn’t really understand that I need to talk about this.
But part of me doesn’t want him to worry, either. So I’m keeping out chats casual for now.
Today’s Update
I’m a rollercoaster of emotions today! I alternate between desperate hope that I’m pregnant, and desperate hopelessness that I’m not.
My cycle has been wonky wonky this month–as usual–and since I haven’t started charting yet, I am basically “guessing.”
According to the calendar (based on my average cycle), I ovulated around October 10. However, I would have sworn that I felt ovulation pains on October 16. Either way, it’s barely possible we caught the egg this month, as our horizontal dancing has been a bit sporadic.
Today I got a negative on a pregnancy test, but I am still holding onto hope.
In the meantime, I am just praying and hoping and wishing and feeling totally emotional.
I feel PMSy, so I have a feeling I’m out this cycle. Although, in truth, the “cramps” I’m feeling are more like pinching ovary twinges.
But, in the past, I’ve felt all kinds of “early pregnancy symptoms” that merely turned out to be PMS, so I’m trying to be realistic.
It’s hard, though. The “hope” keeps wanting to shine through.
Welcome!
I’m a private, pragmatic person… on the outside. But, like most human beings, I experience a lot of emotions beneath the surface.
Hopefully, this blog will allow me to share some of the emotions that are churning inside of me, without sacrificing the “hard as nails” persona I’ve cultivated throughout my life.
Since I can’t share everything about myself–I will always be cautiously private–this blog contains tidbits from the pieces of my life.
From Shots to Sugar Cookies 